Grieving Change

It has been three years now, but I have just begun the acceptance stage of grieving.

I really hate change. Yet there has been so much over the last three years. Our church in Indianapolis had a motto, "Heartland is changing lives." I joked with our pastor that that really didn't mean salvation, it meant upturned lives...weekly. Kidding, of course, Heartland lead and is leading people to the life-changing relationship of Jesus as Saviour. Heartland, and more specifically our pastor, Darryn, helped me to accept little changes with less resistance.

This big life change of Mike becoming a pastor, moving to Montana, and starting a church has been way bigger than I would have ever anticipated. It was not a little change. I had said I wouldn't marry a pastor (technically I didn't) or move to Montana.

As a family we used to spend Saturdays on projects and Sundays relaxing and playing. And weekday evenings together or with friends.

Now we spend Saturdays doing last minute preparations. And Sundays implementing the plan. And the weekday evenings are filled with Bible studies or prayer time.

Mondays are now more of a relaxing time - or really more of a recovery time. And one that does not include the kiddos.

Now having said that, I think we have adapted well. Instead of a whole day for family, we get Thursday evenings and Saturday mornings. And there are nights that the kids get "Daddy time", and nights they get "Mommy time". And no one seems to be suffering. However, I really can't remember the last time we were all in the same car.

I really think that our new schedule is not bad, just different.

The change that has really happened is in my heart and I am stubborn! I dig my heels in and hold on tight. So I have been slow in the acceptance. I have been trying to make our new schedule look more like our old schedule. So when we have stuff going on Sunday afternoon and evening, I begin to resent that we are not spending time "vegging" in front of football, slippers on our feet, and nothing to do. What I have just now come to accept is the little times. Like the hour & a half that I was able to sit on the love seat this afternoon with my husband, watching football, holding my sleeping two-year old. It was a sweet moment. And instead of wishing it could last all afternoon, I was thankful for the 90 minutes we had.

I was asked this past week if I like Billings. I don't think I can come to the point that I would say I love living here, but I can say I enjoy it. I love the people that we have met and developed relationships with. I love the activities that we have been able to be involved in with our children. I love the slower pace that we have had (although this being Sunday, it doesn't feel too slow). I love the opportunity we have had to be closer to grandparents. I love the opportunity we have had to introduce people to Jesus. And that makes all the change worth every difficulty!

Is Saturday of working on projects more important than a day showing Jesus to someone that hasn't seen him before? That is a trade off I am willing to make!